Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (i.e., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

Didn't you get the memo?  These people are very important and they believe this is true regardless if they are utterly normal or even deficient. People with NPD frequently take small elements of truth and present them to others with an exaggerated sense of importance. The “hill” they climb becomes a mountain with treacherous elements, the “call” they take is “critical” to a company survival, the position they have so special no one else could possibly take on such a task etc. Everything they do is based on things appearing very important and those around them must understand and adapt to the demands of their important lives. People love them, people need them, people can't survive without them. This is what they tell themselves and likely you if you'll listen. While they will frequently listen intently to whatever you say sooner or later they emerge in the conversation presenting themselves with greater social or business contacts, quoting some obscure author, or placing themselves just a notch above you and whatever you might be an expert in.  They are the pontificators, the braggers, the people who place themselves in situations and do everything possible to create a sense that they appear to others as irreplaceable.  They are important and if you do not see that it just illuminates your own lack of importance.                                                                                                 

2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 

When one looks in the mirror what does one see? For the Narcissist it doesn’t matter what is in front of them, their mind is focused exclusively on the fantasy of who they believe they are. But fantasies of the inner mind can only carry them so far so they become preoccupied with what they can obtain to present to the world their success, brilliance, beauty and ultimate goodness and worth. If they believe marriage and parenthood will fit the model for the world they want to participate in, they will marry and breed. If it is a luxurious home they covet, they will scam, steal or borrow all in an effort to present the perfect image of success. If it is financial success, they will lie, cheat and steal their way to obtain money or insure that they are latched onto others who will fuel their financial presentation to the world and of course fail to acknowledge the significant contributions for that would only ruin their carefully crafted facade.  If they long for fame, they will seek opportunities that either create fame or attach themselves to those that have achieved fame, whatever is easiest and they will do so with full investment that they are deserving of such acclaim. While the majority of us long for glorified and satisfying lives, it is the methodology of the Narcissist that makes this quest unique. Simple hard work and dedication is never the answer, nor is honest reflection and selfless giving. Instead they meticulously study the world and the people in it and in their navigation they identify key people they must target in hopes of using their charm, intellect and powerful manipulation skills to gain easy access. For the Narcissist must excel or at least appear to have achieved for without that mirage they become haunted by their fears of inadequacy. Additionally, and unlike most, the Narcissist holds little value in people or things that no longer serve them. Like a drug addict, if a new high is attractive, they will have little difficulty removing themselves from prior connections and quickly and completely enmeshing themselves into the next coveted goal.

3) Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Ah.. the suffering of the Narcissist, to be so great, so talented, and so smart in a world with such morons must be horrible. It pains them deeply and is considered an utter waste of time for them to consider interacting with those of "lower status." Oh they will do it, especially if doing so will bring admiration and personal benefit but otherwise they simply cannot be bothered with such nonsense. Only those that are considered by the Narcissist to be equally “special” can truly understand the challenges of the Narcissist.  The development of this inflated false sense of self has many facets. Some theorists suggest that the Narcissist develops this perception through indulgent parenting, excessive praise, and enabling behaviors that are void of repercussions. Others look upon the Narcissist as a very angry child who has never grown up. Living in a perpetual state of repressing tantrums, they resent that their parents or "loved ones" did not see their brilliance and are infuriated by the belief that their parents or "loved ones" would not accept their true selves. As a result, they engage in constant manipulation of seeking others approval but internally experience a sense of satisfaction in their ability to fool. And because they feel so important (or need to feel this way) they expect you to feel the same and if you don’t, you will be devalued, dismissed and abandoned if not utterly destroyed. This total destruction to the Narcissist is justified for they are so special and so unique that they simply cannot risk you interfering with their greatness and will not risk you exposing their facade.                                                                                                                                            

4) Requires excessive admiration.

For the true Narcissist, a kind gesture is not worth doing unless of course it can be publicly noticed and recognition given. To maximize this effect they will overtly seek out opportunities that might appear as humanistic to the “average” person in order to gain entry into situations that bring public admiration. They may give to charity, but only if their name is printed or it comes with an invitation to an exclusive event offered only to those who donate the most.  They may help an old woman across the street but only if people are watching or they could write about it so that others would know.  They may even find some joy doing general acts of kindness but others must know the personal difficulty their "loving" efforts cost them for it is only in the appreciation and admiration of others that they find the most pleasure. The Narcissist needs and demands your admiration for without it they internally cease to exist and if it is a choice between their death OR yours, you will most certainly need to be annihilated. To be in their world you must think that he or she is the most brilliant, most skilled, most compassionate, and most loving successful person you have ever met so they will surround themselves only with those that either think that way and can enhance their idealized image of self OR you must be someone they can admire and thus become admired through association. Otherwise your existence is pointless and frankly dangerous. Narcissists take great lengths to insure a constant supply of admiration by carefully dealing with those they quickly identify to not admire them.  First, they will lie, devalue, manipulate and/or attempt to cause ruin to anyone who may suspect their inadequacies and pathological manipulations. If you doubt them, consider yourself dead. If you don’t need them, consider yourself on a ledge waiting to be pushed. Second, in knowing who doesn’t admire them they act fast and attempt to insure that any admirers they have end up devaluing and distrusting the people who could expose them. It's all very urgent and dramatic for how else could they force someone to form negative opinions if given time to truly think things through? All people are merely pawns in their constant goal of maintaining a homeostasis of admiration. One would suspect that Narcissists would only marry a spouse “worthy” of their own admiration but studies show that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Research suggests that self-hating Narcissists often mate with people unworthy of respect.  These may be negative people, untrustworthy, unattractive, unkind or unsuccessful. In fact many choose partners who express their own lack of respect of the Narcissist to anyone who will listen.  Why would a Narcissist choose such a seemingly undesirable partner who on the surface couldn’t possibly enhance their Narcissistic image? Choosing an unappealing partner breeds empathy from others, they get to feel like the victim and in choosing a “less than” person, the Narcissist ultimately appears “better” to those “more important” to them.                     

5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., has unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

The sense of entitlement in the Narcissist is one of the most pervasive and ugly characteristics because having a sense of overinflated entitlement along with a lack of empathy (criteria #7) create a true and dangerous overlap with Anti-Social Personality Disorder.  In order to feel entitled, you ultimately must feel as though you are better than others.  You must genuinely believe you have a right to some benefit regardless of any suffering or cost another will experience to provide you with that reward of giving into your demands. To feel this, one needs a sense of over importance above others. People, regardless if one is a stranger, family or friend are not seen as true and equal human beings but rather objects the Narcissist deserves to use at their leisure to meet their needs. These cold, calculated, and often unreasonable expectations are prominent in all aspects of the Narcissists lives, You may see it in the bratty child, the demanding adult in the restaurant, the violent sibling who doesn’t feel remorse or in the spouse who ignores his or her family because they have more important things to do.  A true Narcissist will display all of the above but in their most pathological moments they are far more nefarious in their expectations – and far more subtle. At the crux of the sense of entitlement is a narcissistic rage where the object expected to provide the reward, is seen as someone who owes them and owes them big time.  If you are the target of Narcissistic entitlement expectations, at some point the Narcissist perceives you harmed them in such a deep profound way that they truly believe they are completely justified to demand from you a life long reimbursement for the torment you or someone like you has caused them. How they choose to do this is through a plethora of exploitative acts but the underlying issue of entitlement is the same.  You have wronged them and they will make you pay.                                                                                                         

6) Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

A Narcissist deeply longs for absolute control over all people and all situations.  Without that control they feel exposed, internally chaotic and moderately depressed. To achieve a constant state of control the Narcissist must constantly manipulate their environment and those in it to sustain their goals and keep the facade of perfection going. These are the bosses that gain power through subtle threats and devaluation, they are the scientists who manipulate data to seize status and monetary grants, they are the grown children who keep their wealthy parents frail and helpless and the spouses who disregard marital vows just because they can. Narcissists exploit others for their own gain with complete disregard for others. But the act of being interpersonally exploitative without making people run away is an art form perfected by the Narcissist although certainly the more naive and needy are prone to the most exploitation.  To achieve success Narcissists rely heavily on intellect and a hyper-vigilance to people’s vulnerabilities. They know they can’t overtly demand and expect you to meet their needs. They understand that for you to give them something, they must provide something for you. Instead of forming mutually honest and supportive relationships they use their intellect to deceive you, studying your weak spots so that they can carefully calculate to take advantage of your vulnerabilities.  Many place themselves in seemingly generous positions to evoke your sense of gratitude.  Others utilize power struggles as a means to keep you down. But they never take their eye off the prize: Keep your admiration and dependency of them going. To obtain such entitlement rewards Narcissists often rely on a type of defense mechanism called Reaction Formation whereby unacceptable, anxiety-causing emotions or impulses are masked by an exaggerated version of the opposite emotions or impulses. Where they actually feel utter hate, they pontificate profusely about the love they feel for you.  Where a desire to leave you dying would be unacceptable, they launch into public tirades of being the good friend or child who would give up their life to care for you when you are ill. If telling you the truth would destroy their goal, they will lie obsessively and then if caught claim they merely tried to protect you.  When the Narcissist wants something all you need to do is notice the magnified expressions or acts, otherwise… the Narcissist really couldn’t give a damn.                                                                                                                                     

7) Lacks empathy (is unwilling and unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others).

Imagine a person who is void of caring about or remotely understanding your feelings or those of others? Imagine that someone presenting completely the opposite, someone who goes out of their way to make it seem as though your feelings and experiences are the most important thing to them but all the while consciously and frankly with malice are doing and saying things they are fully aware to be fraudulent and lacking authenticity? This is the Narcissist without empathy and every day you are likely staring one in the face as they lead you down a path of manipulation. Some of them even believe their facade of feelings as they have become master’s at mirroring what is described as “emotional empathy.”  In “emotional empathy” a person actually has the capacity to respond to another with an appropriate emotion to another person’s mental state.  But in the Narcissist, this isn’t an organic expression, instead they have learned after years and years of watching others how to present what they have seen to be an appropriate response.  They shake their head, pierce their lips, maybe they hold their breath and tense their brow to mimic sadness but they lack true sadness except for themselves. The expression of empathy is used instead as a means to manipulate others to make it appear as though they genuinely care or they may make statements about another’s state of misery but if you notice carefully they are always the person rescuing the weaker soul.  Why? Because the Narcissist has a greater goal and that is to have their needs met be it admiration, acceptance, rewards or rewards. They like rewards, they like secondary gains.  There is no such thing as true selflessness for the Narcissist. If the Narcissist can make you truly believe that they care for you and have your best interest at heart they know that they already own a piece of you and you will owe them in return bringing everything back to entitlement. The most frightening thing about the Narcissists lack of empathy is that within their failure to see you or others you care about as true human beings of value, an overt lack of empathy is established and this ultimately gives birth to a total lack of remorse. The combination of a lack of empathy, a lack of remorse and utter entitlement are hallmark characteristics of Antisocial Personality.  Without the ability to identify, understand or most importantly care about another’s experience one becomes void of compassion and responsibility. Without these experiences the Narcissist is simply a hungry wild animal and you merely a potential dinner.                                      

8) Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.

Pity the person who is smarter, richer, better looking, more admired or more loved than the Narcissist and you will see a person the Narcissist has consciously taken steps to annihilate, devalue or dismiss completely. Narcissist cannot tolerate others who have more than them. You are not allowed to be better, smarter or more successful and in fact you doing so is perceived as a harm to them for which you are now responsible for repentance. But this envy doesn’t even start with petty jealousy over someone’s looks or the beauty of their home, for the Narcissist it is actually your internal happiness that they are most envious of for deep inside them is an angry, dissatisfied, ugliness that cannot truly be satiated by material things or even personal success. They are like a tremendous empty vat that can never be filled and they hold you responsible for that too.  You didn’t do enough to help them fill their emptiness. Additionally envy goes the other way.  In what is actually one of the stranger phenomenons of the disorder a significant portion of Narcissists internalize this deep seeded envy of others and through projection believe sincerely that others are envious of them.  The overt effort they will put forth to convince the world that they are surrounded by those that are envious of them is astounding. It is as if when faced with a moment where perhaps another demonstrates a greater strength than them they twist it around and verbosely demand that you equally see them as special and preferably more special.  The irony is that many Narcissists have indeed succeeded in many things. They are frequently quite bright and gravitate towards things they can excel in.  But what they cannot tolerate is the plethora of things they do not excel at.  They must at all times be the experts or “the best” in all matters even if there is absolutely nothing in their intellect, experience or profession that warrants such recognition. The envy of the Narcissist is pathological.  It is a deep-rooted chronic envy that permeates everything they do in life.                                                             

9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Loud, boisterous and always utterly self absorbed, the Narcissist is always engaging in acts and attitudes that are larger than life. Like vampires they use others to suck the life force out and feed their hunger for an image they can't truly experience.  They have a very specific perspective that guides them to carefully stage the scene in which only they could find themselves in, because they are special, and better, and frankly annoyed that you haven't understood their greatness yet. They are the guests at the party who maintain eye contact but distance, whom shake your hand firmly followed by a carefully worded compliment so that you will be tricked into thinking they like you.  They are the characters shaking their head knowingly and seriously or the guest that will chuckle at your joke always certain to follow up with a slight dig at your silliness. They are outsiders, observers, people who demand to be seen but prefer to assess. Depending on their comfort with working the crowd they will adjust themselves accordingly. Through their arrogance, the Narcissist illuminates that they are a legend in their own mind. The things they say are not meant as discussion.  There is no true communication with a Narcissist.  Oh they might listen briefly while you relay your silly little words but when it is their chance get ready to be spoken at.  They are the preachers, the lecturers, the guides.  They are the people who use words specifically to test your vocabulary or say obscure references they memorized to impress just in case a moment such as this one arose. Be very clear they are saying, they are different than you and surely if you listen enough you will learn all that you lazily forgot to comprehend in your silly little life. Being a Narcissist means you have excelled in condescending attitudes 101, no one takes greater pleasure at issuing subtle insults than a Narcissist. The soon to be widow is kept in his or her "frail" state, "incapable" of engaging or "intellectually less capable" so that the Narcissist can naturally step in and be the hero. The “little woman” at home doesn’t have true value, she is merely a housewife caring for children, “How difficult could it be” they will laugh “with a 24-hour  nanny.” Ha ha ha ha. That colleague who won the award the Narcissist was applying for was merely a lucky chap because the Narcissist had been engaged in other important things and simply didn’t have time to focus on such nonsense as the Pulitzer Prize. Interestingly, the Narcissist will almost consistently see his or her children in a very extreme way, they are reflections of the Narcissist, all the good and all the evil.  If they mirror the Narcissist, they are a genius certain to attend Harvard or if they expose the Narcissists deficits, they are incompetent fools who of course have a formal diagnosis by a very important physician for whom the Narcissist jumped ahead of the wait list and paid a ridiculous sum of money...  Who you are and how you are seen is ultimately based on the value you hold for the narcissist. If you are willing to close your eyes, not apply common sense, cheer them on while they blunder, welcome. Glad to have you.  But if you look clearly, recognize that there is something seriously amiss with these arrogant haughty behaviors, and are interested in silly things like personal opinions and free will, be ready for termination, because it's coming.   (All rights reserved. January 23, 2014)

All items within personal blog The Narcissism of Violence by Cheryl Prevor Psy.D. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. Based on a work at http://thenarcissismofviolence.blogspot.com.