George Zimmerman:
Please donate your body to science.
Ladies
and Gentlemen of America, George Zimmerman has been called many things. He has
been called a racist, a wanna-be cop, a pathological liar, a dutiful
neighborhood watchman and he has been called a hero. I do believe that he is a hero and though he
may not be “Super-man,” he is indeed what I would like to call “Zimmer-Man,” a
unique type of human able to defy odds and logic all at the same time. Given his
humanitarian aspirations, I, as a citizen of the United States, respectfully
request that he donate his body to science to remedy the imbalance his case has
created.
Allow
me to explain: First off, he has a “Super-head.” Who else but Zimmer-Man would
be able to sustain 25-30 daggering blows and multiple whacks aggressively into a
concrete slab and walk away with two Band-Aids and a slightly mashed nose? Who
else could expect to experience damage to all cerebral lobes and yet their mind
remain so astute they remember to place invisible handcuffs on the listless
body of Trayvon, just in case he planned to get away? Who else has skin so
Teflon-like that Martin’s fists slid off and left acne-scarred teens crying in envy?
Who else could courageously hold off on what should have been critical medical
care, and with the fine tuned precision of a student carrying cheat sheets, articulate
events in alignment with the law? Only Zimmer-Man, for the rest of us soft headed
slacks would be unconscious, bleeding, and frankly traumatized from the life passing
before our eyes moment. So let’s put racial issues aside. Should he accept my
challenge, we could study a true superhero with true superpowers that can
benefit everyone. Within Zimmer-Man’s
skull and skin we are being given an opportunity to no longer subject our
football heroes to traumatic brain injury studies because Zimmer-Man’s head
isn’t just resilient, it has healing powers too. If you hold it, slam it’s twisting
sphere into concrete, even though your knuckles and fingers should rip to
bloody bone, Zimmer-Man’s head will magically remove all signs of injury as
well as DNA - long before the police arrive at the scene. How’s that for
magical! If Zimmer-Man donates his body to science, we can create our own super
skulls so average softies like the rest of us can equally engage in mortal
combat in our own suburban communities!
Zimmer-Man’s
value to science is limitless. By any assessment he has Super-Perception. Who
else by sheer will alone (and a few classes in criminology), would be able to
detect nefarious criminal potential just by monitoring the way Trayvon Martin strolled
and subtly gazed into windows? No more Ph.D. programs in Psychology - researchers
will be able to analyze his keen perception skills ensuring mere mortals like
ourselves are able to consistently differentiate between true drugged-out
up-to-no-good burglars from those of lazy teens chatting on their cell phones
lost in unfamiliar neighborhoods.
Zimmer-Man
also has Super-Vision. His Nikon-like corneas are able to see in the dark (without
his flashlight pointed at freaked out suspects). As a result, he is able to
identify not only skin color hidden within hoodies, but also evil intentions
with just a glance. His depth of field
is extraordinary - able to zero in on devious movements such as reaching into a
pocket for “God Knows What” from hundreds of yards away. Please George, if you
care about America, as I know you do, I beg you at least to sign that donor
card right away and insure that at least one lucky lad receives those baby
browns.
Zimmer-Man
displays Super-Natural feats of agility and dexterity. Who else could have his
arms locked in a hold, wiggle one limb loose and shove his hand deep into the
back of his pants while a body is smashed on top of him? His magical laser
fingers can unhook holsters and hold guns firmly (enough to ensure that dual
action trigger takes), then perfectly hit the chambers of a suspect’s heart.
Wow! But wait - there’s more; To recognize that he could successfully achieve this
one-handed feat in less time than it would take to whack a suspect with his knee
and throw their skinny ass off, surely demands the attention of America’s top
scientists.
Zimmer-Man’s
ability to enhance the world of Psychology is equally astounding. While Piaget (the
famous Psychologist who studied object permanence in infants) probably would
insist that by age two he should have outgrown this, Zimmer-Man has been able
to maintain the concept that even though he is physically present, he does not
exist. Why else would he believe that if
he follows people in his car and later on foot, that they would not see him and
perceive him as a threat? He must believe he is invisible. Who else but Zimmer-Man
could perceive danger, acknowledge his own racing heart and not see these
issues as warning sign to retreat? And
there is an issue with empathy. Who else but Zimmer-man could, only seconds
after realizing he killed a teenager armed only with snacks, fail to collapse
into genuine sadness, doubt or experience even mild anxiety? Who else would
call out for a neighbor to help restrain a boy shot in the heart instead of
calling out for help to try to save his life? Is he ignorant or just lack
concern, for who else would be able to look at a young teen, his lanky bones
sealed in a body bag, and feel utter entitlement for all of his actions? Who
else but Zimmer-Man, the Super-Hero of all heroes, could callously omit all
elements of personal reflection about ones’ own responsibilities for causing
the teen’s death? No one, I tell you, but Zimmer-Man.
If
you are reading this George, I hope you fully appreciate the value you bring, understand
that we need you and are willing to commit to the most intensive of studies. For in the end, after scientists have
analyzed your superpowers, what they will ultimately want to know most is how
the brain of such a moron could be housed in such a Super-man. We need you; to
help us understand you, because for all your Super-Powers, the ones that
allowed you to come through your alleged horrific beating relatively unscathed
and not guilty in a court of law, it is clear that surely you must be “The
Dumbest Man in America” and if we could just understand how you personally
formulate decisions, we can cure stupidity in all Americans. For who else but
you would desperately search for a definitive address that the suspect wasn’t
remotely standing at? Who else but you would
fail to recall the name of a street in a three street community? Who else but
you can’t recall if they are left or right handed? Is your super-sonic memory
not as great as I hope or is it more? Please George - to solve the problems, we
need to know the issues.
Mostly,
and don’t let your empty feelings be offended, who else but you would enter a
darkened rainy maze of homes where a criminal lurked and decide it wasn’t
necessary to take your loaded gun into your hand to protect yourself from
attack? Most of us soft heads grab at least a candlestick in the dark of the
night when we hear an intruder in our home, but not you. Instead, you decide to
ignore the perceptions you’ve formed, the adrenaline in your body, as well as
the hard metal of a pistol whacking around your back and groin. You had plenty
of time to discuss your concerns about the suspect with the dispatcher, but it
never dawned on you to take that gun out, place it in your hand and walk onto
that little doggy path with a little confidence? Instead of a gun, you placed
flashlights in your hands, one broken, making your walk in the dark nefarious
and even more invisible. Let’s face facts - you must be incredibly stupid to
risk your safety, risk your wife losing a husband, your parents losing a son,
and don’t forget about all the loving cousins who would miss you should you
perish in the night by the hands of the suspected burglar.
So
we are worried George. By all accounts you seemed to fully utilize your Super-Zimmer-Man
powers with Trayvon, but failed to use those super skills on yourself, because let’s
face it, only “The Dumbest Man in America” wouldn’t contemplate the sheer luck
of having a registered handgun, well “handy,” during this rare opportunity to
detain “the” criminal that’s been robbing your community. You’ve simply got to
help us George. If we could understand your stupidity - at what clearly was one
of the most coveted moments in your life, we could potentially cure Alzheimer’s.
And
I am telling you now George - your case, more than any others, has illuminated
just how desperate a need we have for understanding stupidity in America. Seemingly intelligent people have thrown out
an entire prosecution’s case stating that, “that black kid was a total violent
druggie criminal, skipping school and making magical Kool-Aid.” People have
come to believe if someone sees a “moment” of a fight that reliably represents
the “entire fight” forever altering the outcomes of playground altercations
everywhere. In your case, top experts
in medicine and defensive use of force, couldn’t recall that when evaluating a
reported fight, they actually had to factor in whether the “other person” (you
know the dead guy) had injuries congruent with the supposed victim’s claims.
And don’t get me started on your attorney’s!
Glaring with stupidity they were unable to comprehend what Rachel Jeantel said
in her attitude-filled deposition about who was screaming. Were your Superhero
ears working that day? She was saying there were two people out there - so of
course the screams “could’ve been Trayvon’s!” My God, what a bunch of idiots you hired! And
we know what your attorneys thought of the jury. They thought your jury was just a bunch of
dumb women who needed to be told the same thing over and over again. And maybe
they were right. In spite of your attorney’s sophomoric poster board cheat
sheet, one juror said the jury instructions were “totally confusing” but insisted
they based their verdict of the Good Samaritan - on the law. One just announced, “He got away with murder!”
Good lord George, the respect and salvation of the judicial system are
frighteningly contained in your “Zimmer-Man” slippery hands.
More
than anything, I suppose, you represent the average man; living in the shadows
of his successful father, jilted out of being the chosen son. We get it. You are a man who wants to be more
but doesn’t know how. We understand. We know
you long to be a good boy and do good things.
This was most evident when you showed up at trial willing to have that 12
year-old boy hair cut and those 100 extra pounds of innocence. We’ve been there.
You didn’t want to kill Trayvon Martin; you aren’t filled with paranoid delusional
hate. You didn’t even want to detain
him, you just wanted to be a good boy and do whatever necessary to keep your neighborhood
safe. We are with you. You are America’s Mr. Roger’s and Frank Taffee just one
of the people that we meet in the neighborhood. But there is more to you George.
Zimmer-Man represents the type of man worthy of study, a true warrior, an
anomaly of the mind-boggling intersection where good citizen and moron merge. You can’t slip away into oblivion, rescue the
occasional flipped car and not fulfill your duty to society. You can’t give up
on all your dreams of being important and making a difference to the world as a
whole. When OJ was found Not Guilty in a court of law, did he give up? No! With
the blessing of his attorney Johnny Cochran, he wrote us stupid Americans a
book and to help us - IF he had killed them, THIS is how it would’ve been done,
in case we didn’t understand. Are you going to show up, make a mess and then
leave us to solve it alone? Please George, be the American Superhero we know
you can be and run yourself to the nearest Medical Laboratory. And if you can’t
do it for America, do it, well… for…. Johnny!
